Today, I want to introduce you to what I call the Six Devastating Outcomes of Betrayal.
Let’s start with defining what an outcome is. An outcome is what is produced by a series of thoughts or actions. It is the end result of something. When we are looking at these six outcomes, we are looking at what betrayal produces in our lives.
When we experience betrayal it damages our relationship for sure. But it also weaves a legacy of negative outcomes throughout every facet of our lives—creating a downward spiral that compromises our daily functioning and ruptures our two greatest needs: our sense of self and our sense of belonging.
These outcomes are progressive, each one building on the one before it and leading to an inevitable endpoint. Below is a graphic showing the six outcomes and then a brief explanation of each.
1. DISCONNECTION – Cut off from safety, self, and others. Everything starts here. The loss of safety with your partner throws your attachment system into distress and your nervous system into overdrive. You feel cut off—from them, from yourself, from everyone.
2. DYSREGULATION – A nervous system in chaos, searching for comfort in danger. Disconnection leads to dysregulation. Your attachment and threat response systems scramble to cope with the onslaught of fear, panic, pain, confusion, shock, and grief that betrayal plunges you into. Your body won’t calm down. Your nervous system gets stuck in chaos.
3. DISSOCIATION – Numbing out to survive the unbearable pain of loss. The pain and primal panic are simply too much, so you dissociate. You’re driven up and out of your body, floating untethered and unsure how to find your way back to solid ground. You feel like you’re watching your life from the outside. You numb out just to survive.
4. DISEMPOWERMENT – Shame and fear silence agency and voice. As you struggle, you find yourself stuck in traumatic reactions and coping strategies that don’t serve you well but feel inevitable and out of your control. You flounder in fear, shame, and powerlessness. Your voice disappears when you need it most.
5. DEPLETION – Exhausted by the endless work of chasing safety. Your inner resources dwindle. You’re exhausted by your inability to find safety. Your strategies aren’t working, and they’re depleting you. You’re collapsing from a loss of hope and are exhausted from trying so hard.
6. DESPAIR – When love and safety feel impossible, hope fades away. You feel hopeless, wondering how you’ll ever find your way back to yourself and your partner (or a new partner). You doubt joy will ever show its face again. You’re not sure there’s truly a way out of the pain and despair you feel. Hope fades away.
Understanding these six devastating outcomes is vital, because we can only craft a healing path toward positive outcomes when we understand exactly what we’re trying to change.
This post includes adapted excerpts from The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays, LPC, CSAT-S. For a deeper exploration of this topic, see the full book.
About the Author:
Michelle Mays is a Licensed Professional Counselor and expert in treating sexual betrayal and trauma. She’s also the author of the new book The Betrayal Bind: How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Has Hurt You the Worst. Michelle has created a new treatment model to address the devastating dilemma that betrayed partners face when their significant other is unsafe to connect to, yet connection is the key to healing.
Braving Hope® is a ground-breaking coaching intensive for betrayed partners around the world. Working with Michelle will help you to move out of the devastation of betrayal, relieve your trauma symptoms and reclaim your life.
