Celebrating romantic love is a wonderful thing, but what happens if your love breaks bad?
Valentine’s day can be an incredibly hard holiday to get through if you’re in the middle of heartbreak.
Maybe you’re grieving the death of your spouse, or a bad breakup, or you’ve recently discovered that your partner cheated.
Whatever your heartbreak looks like, Valentine’s Day can amplify feelings of loss, pain, and sadness. Because we have commercialized Valentine’s Day and are bombarded with images of happy couples in love, we can feel alone in our grief.
If you are dealing with heartbreak this Valentine’s Day, here are four simple things to help you through this holiday:
First, know that you’re not alone.
Millions of others are also struggling with relational loss and heartbreak of some sort. When we’re grieving it can feel like everyone else is still on life’s merry-go-round and we have fallen off and are standing on the side watching. Know that you have lots of company. There are many others who intimately know the experience of betrayal, loss, and heartbreak.
Second, make a plan.
We can dread Valentine’s Day because it feels like it will make us more aware of what we have lost and enlarge our longing and sadness. This dread can cause us to try to avoid the day or grit our teeth to just get through it. Instead, make a plan for that day. Ask yourself what you’ll need to help you feel comforted and supported and to the degree possible, put that in place.
That may be something super simple like picking up your favorite takeout on the way home and planning an evening with a bath, a cozy blanket and a good show or book to read. Or it could be planning a night out with friends, so you feel surrounded by love and people who are able to hold your heartbreak with you. You do you. But make a plan instead of letting the day happen to you.
Third, feel your feels.
Whether we’re grieving the loss of a relationship or the loss of the relationship we thought we had, heartbreak puts us on a roller-coaster of emotions.
Valentine’s Day catapults our loss to the front of our minds. It can feel like having someone shove our hand toward a burning flame. We don’t want to feel the acute pain, longing, sadness, or anger that accompanies our heartbreak.
This is one of those, “the only way out is through,” moments. The more we avoid our feelings, the longer we stay in suffering and develop unhealthy coping. The more we allow our feelings space to be felt, named, verbalized, and held gently by ourselves and others, the more our feelings move through us, and we heal. Give yourself space to feel your feelings without judgment and with grace and self-compassion.
Fourth, connect with others.
When we experience heartbreak, it can create feelings of shame. We can feel like maybe we’re experiencing betrayal because there’s something wrong with us. Maybe we aren’t worthy of loyalty, honesty, fidelity, and love. Or the death of a loved one can make us feel that in our grief and sadness we’re too much.
The action tendency in shame is to hide. Shame pushes us toward isolation. If we’re not intentional, we can allow our heartbreak to rob us of the single greatest support and antidote to our pain: connection with others.
When we reach out to talk with a friend or family member, when we allow someone to hug us or hold us when we cry, when we share our heartbreak with those who care, we give our bodily-based nervous systems an incredible gift. Connection helps to calm us, regulate our bodies, and bring us out of overwhelm. Connection with those who can be present with us and hold space for our ride on the emotional roller-coaster of grief is the best self-care we can give ourselves.
If you’re experiencing heartbreak this Valentine’s Day, give yourself permission to be exactly where you are. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, ask for what you need, and give yourself connection and comfort in whatever ways you are able. This too shall pass. But for now, you are in it, and your experience needs to be honored and tended to.
Note: This article first appeared on mindbodygreen.com in 2024.
About the Author:
Michelle Mays is a Licensed Professional Counselor and expert in treating sexual betrayal and trauma. She’s also the author of the new book The Betrayal Bind: How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Has Hurt You the Worst. Michelle has created a new treatment model to address the devastating dilemma that betrayed partners face when their significant other is unsafe to connect to, yet connection is the key to healing.
Braving Hope® is a ground-breaking coaching intensive for betrayed partners around the world. Working with Michelle will help you to move out of the devastation of betrayal, relieve your trauma symptoms and reclaim your life.
