Last week, we discussed the often-misunderstood concept of forgiveness and what it means for you and your relationships after betrayal. Today, we are going to look at the concrete actions that support the practice of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is an embodied practice – we do forgiveness through our speech and actions even more than through how we feel or think about forgiving. And forgiveness is a practice. The more we do it the better we get at it.
Action 1: We pump the brakes on our reactions. When we are offended against it hits our threat system and our reactions move through us fast and hard. We can be in the middle of snarking back, cheating back or gossiping back before we know what happened. Our first step is to learn to catch ourselves in the middle of those big emotions and stomp the brake or jam on the pause button to give ourselves time to calm down and process our experience.
Action 2: We feel all the feels. When we are hurt by someone, we are going to feel it. We can’t forgive someone if we haven’s first fully named and honored the harm we have experienced. So, we give ourselves room to feel angry, betrayed, shocked, sad and grieved.
Action 3: We do not go one-up. We go one-up on someone else to grab our power back through our facial expression (disdain, contempt, disgust), tone of voice (shaming, dismissing), word choice (all of the above) and behavior (harming back). The practice of forgiveness asks us to resist our impulse toward these things and to not lose sight of our own or the other person’s humanity. We address them from a place of respect and dignity instead.
Action 4: We decide what we need. To stay in a forgiveness stance with the person who has harmed us we have to determine what we need regarding what has happened. We may need distance or strong boundaries. We may need to ask for an apology or some form of repair. We may need to be compensated for the harm. We may need to file charges. We may need to divorce. We are staying out of power-over dynamics by grounding ourselves in our true power which is the ability to ask for what we need and make choices for ourselves about what is best for us in any situation.
Action 5: We let go of the outcome. Forgiveness helps us to focus on what we can control which is ourselves. Our true power lies in making choices for ourselves. We cannot control the other person. We cannot keep them from continuing to be offensive or make them apologize or make amends. What we can do is choose what is best for us in light of the choices they are making. Forgiveness helps us to let go of the outcomes regarding the other person and to instead keep ourselves focused on what supports our health and happiness.
When we learn to practice forgiveness we feel grounded and stable. Other people’s behaviors have less power over us and less ability to rock our worlds because we have a practice that sustains us as we weather the storm. Forgiveness connects us to our core self and returns our power to us in a way that frees us to make good choices that nourish our lives and relationships.
It is my hope that this series on forgiveness leaves you with a deeper understanding of how the practice forgiveness can serve you in your healing journey.
VIDEO: Forgiveness – What it is & what it isn’t
About the Author:
Michelle Mays is a Licensed Professional Counselor and expert in treating sexual betrayal and trauma. She’s also the author of the new book The Betrayal Bind: How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Has Hurt You the Worst. Michelle has created a new treatment model to address the devastating dilemma that betrayed partners face when their significant other is unsafe to connect to, yet connection is the key to healing.
Braving Hope™ is a ground-breaking coaching intensive for betrayed partners around the world. Working with Michelle will help you to move out of the devastation of betrayal, relieve your trauma symptoms and reclaim your life.
